An Open Letter to Me

Always remember what your Mama said, "..you will find someone you are worth of." Words of encouragement from someone who is always on the outside looking in when it comes to your personal life. Because she trusts and respects you, how strong willed and independent you are. This is me talking to myself.

In the last few months, though I don't talk about it, she knows. They know. People have been respectful of my silence. Though a lot has encouraged me to cry it all out, I can't for most of the time. My family especially has been respectful of my personal space for mourning and grieving a lost love. Not asking questions of why I don't want to eat, why I sleep all day, why I don't talk, why I go home at five in the morning and go to work at 10 am.

With this heartbreak, I was quiet. I was calm. Composed. On the outside. But on a lot of levels inside me, I was in deep shit. I don't want to write about it or talk about it out of respect for me and the other person concerned. And I want to keep my sanity. Yes sanity on a day to day basis. To not struggle to wake up and drag myself to work. To go get up and do the normal things you do like nothing bothers you. I was being productive and that is all I needed to not break.

I just can't help it sometimes to think of things. To cry a bit when I think of him. To feel sad of the what might have beens, the shoulda, woulda, coulda. I always find myself looking for him. Longing for him. But as always, it's a hopeless case. I am accepting the fact that its really over.

Now, I am re-learning to value myself. To trust that I am so much more than another failed relationship. I am re-learning to be connected with the people that matters the most and accepting the fact that even if one person doesn't want me in their life, I will always have a million people wanting me to be in theirs. I am re-learning to accept my weaknesses and pray for strength everyday. I am re-learning to not settle. To always look out for the best not only in me but for me.

I am appreciating that the value of relationships with family and friends outweigh anything material. Achievements and accolades doesn't mean anything if its not shared with the true treasures or your life. I may be sounding more of a cliche, but with all that happened, God has replaced and is still replacing all the bitterness and hurt with all the wonderful things in life.

I am meeting myself again. I lost a lot of it by deeply loving someone unexpectedly. But I am happy I am picking up the pieces again. It's bittersweet, moving on and moving forward. This is what I need to do. Pick up all my brokenness and piece myself together again and be the best person for that "someone you are worth of".